Clueless Daddy Quotes

Both Sam and Jack had rough-looking black extensions of dead skin that protruded from their belly button. When I first noticed it on Sam I actually thought that one of the blue corn chips I had been eating must have somehow fallen in my shirt pocket before finding its way to my son’s belly during a diaper change.

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As brutal as the witching hours were, they were merely an unpleasant sprint, as opposed to the uphill marathons we ran during the weekends… they had turned into slugfests with a backdrop of unspeakable volume that made an AC/DC concert sound like a little girl with asthma playing the flute.

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“Honey,” I said one night while holding up a gown I was given for Sam, “we can’t be dressing him in this.”

“And why not?” asked Caroline.

“Well, for starters, it’s a gown. He’s gonna get ridiculed by all the other infant boys whose parents have the sense not to dress their sons in gowns. Where’d you get it?” I asked.

“Crenshaw’s,” she answered, referring to a high-end children’s boutique in town.

“Did it come with a complimentary ass-kicking?”


Pregnancy Quotes

For what it’s worth, giving your wife a shot with a two-inch needle while she’s hopped up on multiple-pregnancy-induced hormones is a thankless task at best.

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Caroline had more meds running through her system than a middle-aged lab rat.

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The babies were starting to move…(and) the various and separated moving appendages…gave Caroline the appearance of a proud momma expecting her very first octopus.

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The third trimester snore put the fear of God in me and would cause me to shoot up from the bed…searching high and low for the lumberjack with the five o’clock shadow who was responsible for the terrifying tremors… But each time, it was my tiny little wife…responsible…not some ax-wielding he-man snoozing under a tree next to his tied-up blue ox…Caroline’s pregnancy was like Madonna in the early nineties. It was everywhere.


Baby Quotes

His skin looked as soft as a cloud, like nothing had ever caught it before, not even a glance, and it wiggled back and forth while he pursed his lips, elastic and perfect, not even creating so much as a crease in his cheeks at any time during his movements, his skin unable to do anything other than return to the first shape it ever knew—the first shape it ever had—the one that would be underneath every shape it would ever take.

* * *

I scurried back to our bathroom but was intercepted by the trio in the bedroom as they were crawling away from the scene of the crime—Jack with a scrunchie around his wrist, Sam with a large hair clip in his mouth, and Kirby with a container of dental floss in her hand and a headband draped around her neck, resting on her chest that, on her, looked like a giant medallion on loan from Earth Wind and Fire’s wardrobe coordinator.


Spastic Doggy Quotes (Briggs)

He went nuts each and every time an outsider burst our domestic bubble…scattering frantically across the floor, throw rugs helplessly askew in his wake, culminating in his breathless arrival at wherever the action was…suddenly with something else on his body, besides just his gray beard, that wasn’t the color of chocolate brown, but rather that of pink lipstick, poking out to say hello as he awaited with, um, excitement whomever would cross our path.

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Before Anne was able to step back into her sandal, Briggs was off, galloping like a three-year-old thoroughbred on Derby Day, ears pinned back, tail tucked tight, and mouth slightly agape, carrying in it one-half of a five-hundred-dollar pair of Neiman Marcus open-toe delights.